You saw the door. You were it for a while. Cold itch sewing fingers together. Proofing the hallucination in lazy jaws. The afternoon. The carnivore in pantyhose. The young treading mildly on fond waves. We're water. We're the ocean. Humble waves succumbing to the sand. In small mutilations. Frail carnivals in their selfish parades. Broken yolks. Heavy whites. At the edge of the pan. The freedom of surrender found in a stiff dashboard.
Touching the glass. The face on the other side of its chapped lips. The excuse trickles in through seams in the knife.
Yawning the words. Beating the train tracks. Seasoned gods assemble their speeches. As if we knew what worship could mean. Other than waiting. Imagining when we'd die.
A million throats ready to swallow. What we couldn't keep down. A million answers to that one question. why?
The dog burying its shit. During a quiet dance. The vice scratching at its stone. Soft saviors tucked under our pillows. Imagining we don't know how close we came.
Sunday
2/18/2007 12:44:00 AM
You have a very detailed style
http://www.verdispoetry.com
more superb writing. this one was a little too laden for me perhaps. it's hard to say because every line is superb - perhaps that's the problem for me with this one. each and every turn of phrase is wonderfully written, but it does come across a little disjointed. In fact my favourite line was 'the dog burying its shit' was my favourite - it stands out so well and I wish I'd used it for something. I should say I'm not trying to be hard on your writing - this one was just a little overwhelming, but still full of those fabulous lines you turn in.
it's a clear example of trying too hard.
this should've been 3 or 4 different pieces. with more cohesive and fluid fillers around them.
was really quite wasteful of me.
not wasteful in the slightest - just an indication of how fast your mind works on good metaphors, poetics and meaning. I wasn't trying to say it was a waste at all - it wasn't and you can always reuse lines - it was punch, punch, punch and it knocked me out in the first round basically. It was not a waste - just too good.
it's cool ruk. i wasn't insulted by your comments. they were positive and constructive.
it's just when i read what you said i went back and looked the post over and i personally did think it was overkill.
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